Abu El Abed Jokes collected by Abdallah Hayar

Abu El Abed Abu El Abed in Court
Abu El Abed (AA) was to appear in court for a street fight. He was so upset because he
waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard. When his name was called, he stood
before the judge
Judge: t'ajalet el jalset la bokra
AA (Shouting): leih seedna ? (What for?)
Judge: khamseen alef gharamet le'annak ahant elma7hkameh, shefet leih ! ! ?
The judge, noticing AA checking his wallet...
Judge: mesh hal-la' btedfa3, ba3den.
AA: ma baddeh edfa3 halla' seedna, bass 3am fat-tesh eza ma3eh masareh kfeyeh
ta'ellak ba3ed kelemtain

Abed's Ancestors
Abed asked his mother  
Abed : mazbout enno aneh asleh ered ?
Em El Abed: ma ba3ref, le'anneh mesh sheyfeh ahel bayak wala marra. (I don't know,
son, I never met your father's parents.)
 
Good news and Bad news
Abu El Abed (AA) answers the telephone, and it's an Emergency Room doctor.
Doctor: "Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad news and good
news. The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will need
help eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life."
Abu El Abed: "My God. What's the good news?"
Doctor: "I'm kidding. She's dead."

Em El Abed Trying to Shoot Herself
Em El Abed is distraught because she fear that her husband Abu El Abed is having an affair,
so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find Abu El
Abed in bed with a beautiful lady. She grabs the gun and hold it to her own head. Abu El
Abed jumps out of bed, begging her not to shoot herself. Hysterically Em El Abed responds
"shut up" you are next.
 
Abu El Abed's Mobile Phone
Abu El Abed (AA) bought a mobile phone. While he was showing it off in ahwet le'zeiz the
phone rang. He answered it only to hear Em El Abed's (EA) voice on the other end.
AA: yeh, EA?!!!ma ma3'oul, keef 3refteh enneh haoun ? (EA?!!how did you know I
was here!?)
 
Poetry
The teacher asked Abed...
Teacher: shou bta3ref ya Abed 3an sho3ara' (Poets) el jaheliyeh.
Abed: kelloun metoh ya estez. (They are all dead.)
 
Abu El Abed on a Bus
Abed: emmeh, lamma kenna bel bosta aneh wa abeh, awamneh ta y'a3ed mara
matra7heh.(When I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my
seat to a lady.)
EA: bravo 3laik ya 3abed daiman sma3 kelmet bayak. (That is nice, you should
always listen to your father.)
Abed: bas aneh kenet 'a3ed be7hodnoh. (But mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap.)
 
Cheque Bounces
The doctor's secretary called on Abu El Abed (AA) and said:
Secretary: reje3 le check taba3ak ya AA. (AA, Your cheque came back.)
AA : kamen reje3 waja3 me3dteh. (So did my stomach pain.)

Abu El Abed and the Chinese Girl
Abu El Abed (AA) is going in a bus to Tripoli. He looks at the girl sitting next to him and
says...
AA: ma7hsoubek AA, baddek ma twakhezneh, enteh sinieh sheh ? (Are you a Chinese
?)
Girl (Politely): la' ya AA aneh mesh sinieh. (No, I'm not Chinese.)
After a little while AA asks the girl,
AA: bayek sineh sheh ? (Is your father a Chinese ?)
Girl: la' bayeh mesh sineh. (No, my father is not a chinese)
After a while...
AA: Emmek sinieh sheh ? (Is your mother a Chinese ?)
Girl: la' emmeh mesh sinieh. (No, my mother is not a Chinese.)
After ten minutes...
AA: akkedeh enno ma fee 7hada sineh be3ayletkoun ? (Are you sure that you do not
have any Chinese in your family ?)
In exasperation, and in a final effort to shut AA up, the girl replies in high voice...  
Girl : eh, ana sinieh ou bayeh sineh ou emmeh sinieh ou 3ailteh kelloun sinieh. Shou
baddak ba3ed ? (I am Chinese, my father is Chinese, my mother is Chinese and all
my family is chinese. What do you want more ?)
AA : ma tkouneh z3elteh. Bass ghareeb enno 3younek mesh metel 3youn el sinieh.
(Funny,.....you don't have eyes like the Chinese eyes.)
 
At the Casino
Abu El Abed (AA) and Abu Steif (AS) went to the Casino. AS walks up to a Coke machine
and puts in a coin. Out pops a coke. AS looks amazed, he starts feeding the machine madly,
and the machine keeps popping out the drinks.
AA walks up behind AS and watches his antics for a few minutes before stopping him and
asking if someone else could have a go.
AS spins around and shouts in AA's face: Mish shayef jayeh hazzi ?(Can't you see I'm
winning??)
 
Abu El Abed and Abu Steif Steal a Boat
Abu El Abed (AA) and Abu Steif (AS) went deep see fishing. They stole a little boat and went
in a few kilometres. AA started drinking and fell asleep.
AS: ya AA feek fatteh 3einak (get up), this boat is leaking and it will sink.
AA: let the boat sink. ma heyeh shakhtoura mesh la'lna (the boat is
not ours)
 
Abu El Abed Visits Abu Steif in Chicago
Abu El Abed (AA) visited his friend Abu Steif (AS) in Chicago. AS lived in a neighbourhood
with a high crime rate. He advised AA not to come fearing for his life.
On arrival he see his old friend Abu Steif (AS)...
AS: Sho ya Abu El Abed . Did you come here to die?' (read it with a bastawi accent)
AA: (in English) 'No I came yesterdie (bastawi)
 
Abu El Abed Visits his Friend in Barja
Abu El Abed (AA) went To visit his friend in Barja district "Southern Beirut". People in this
town are famous for playing cards. When he entered the district, he saw an old lady (OL)
crossing the street. He stopped his car and said...
AA: i'ta3i ya hajjeh
OL: fit ya khalti!!
 
Abu El Abed is Broke
Abu El Abed (AA) lost all his money on gambling. He went to the baladiyeh and talked with
the moudir:
AA: ya moudir, who owns this building?
Moudir: it is for all the Basta people
AA: well, I would like to sell my share!
 
Gambling Family
You need to be card player to understand this one...
Abu El Abed (AA) and Abed are both gamblers (Le'mar bedammon) Once Abed came home,
and he saw his father playing Solitaire.
Abed: Marhaba
AA: Marhabtain (AA doubled)
Abed: Sold
AA: Jeetak
 
The London Bus
Abu El Abed (AA) and his friend Abu Steif (AS),on their first trip outside Basta, find
themselves in London (England). Once there, they decide to get on a double-decker bus. AA
decides to sit upstairs while AS sits in the lower level. Ten minutes into the ride AA screams at
AS:
AA: Shou ya AS, weyn sirtou?
AS: Khams d'ayek w'bnousal 3ala Buckingham Palace.W'ento?
AA: Ne7hna ba3dna natreen el chauffeur. ba3d ma eja!!
 
Abu El Abed in Homs
Abu El Abed (AA) was in Homs and he was sitting next to a big guy in a cafe and said...
AA: Biddak tisma3 nukteh homsieh (do you want to hear a homsi joke?)
The big guy frowned and answered, "I just happen to be a Homsi. You see those two
big guys at that end of the cafe? They are Homsiin too. Do you still want to tell your
Homsi joke?"
Abu El Abed looked around: la'
Big Guy: What's the matter?, Are you afraid that we'll beat you?
Abu El Abed looked up at him: No, I just don't want to have to explain the punch line
four times.
 
Abu El Abed Looking for a Job
AA was looking for a job. Since his brother in law (BIN) was a man with a lot of connections,
he asked him for help. Two days later, AA's BIN found him a job as a seller in a Boutique.
AA's boss liked him so much that he offered him a suit. A week later, a client came and
wanted a suit just like AA's. Unfortunately AA's was the last in the store. So the boss decided
to take away AA's suit and give it to the client. AA got upset and left the job, he asked his BIN
to find him another one and a show seller it was.Unfortunately the same thing happened again,
and AA went to his BIN to ask him for another job. This time the job was a cashier at a
grocery store. Two weeks later, AA's boss saw him running out from the grocery store.
Thinking that he might have stolen something, he decided to follow him. After a long chase,
the boss found AA hiding in the WC. He asked him why he ran away, AA said. AA : There's
a lady who wants a dozen eggs and there are only 10 eggs left in the store.
 
Abu El Abed at the Dentist
AA to dentist: Laik dactor bala obar benej bala ballout, sheel el doros wala yahumak
(Doctor no needles or any of that stuff. Just pull the tooth)
Dentist: Ya reit kel zbouneteh abadayet metlak ya AA. Aya dores badda tsheel? (I wish
more all my patients are as strong as you are. Which tooth is it?)
AA: Farji ya Em EL Abed aya dores (EA, show him which tooth)
 
Calculation
Abu El Abed (AA), Abu Steif (AS) and Abu Mounir (AM) are at school lemahou al oummieh
The teacher (T) says to AM...
T: 3 x 3 adday bya3mlo ya AM? (What is three times three?)
AM: 274
The teacher says to AS, T: hale' dawrak ya AS, adday bya3mlo 3 x 3?
AS: 3 x 3 ?!!!! bya3mlo Ettaleteh (Tuesday).
The teacher says to AA, T: Dawrak ya AA adday bya3mlo 3 x 3?
AA: Walaw ya istez, badda sou'al, 3 x 3 bya3mlo tes3a (Nine).
T: 3azeem ya AA, keef hasabtoun? (How did you get that?)
AA: Basita, tarahet 274 men ettaleteh (Simple, I subtracted 274 from Tuesday.)
 
El Radio
Marra Abu El Abed (AA) kean 3am bey ba7hle' (staring) be el radio taba3o. Jarrab yefham
shou ya3ne "AM-FM". Eja Abu Steif (AS) weh allo:
AS: shoo 3am ta3mel ya AA?
AA: lak ya khayyeh ma 3am befham shou ya3neh el FM wala el AM.
Tala3 fee AS hayk!! weh allo: ya 7hmar, FM ya3ne fee mussi'a, w' AM ya3ne afish
musi'a..
 
Abu El Abed on the Bus
Abu El Abed (AA) noticed that allot of people on the bus were not paying their fare, and were
simply showing a bitaka to the conductor. After a while AA got upset, so he went home and
started searching for a bitaka. He found his marriage certificate bitaka. The next time he went
on the bus, he showed the conductor his bitaka.
Conductor: Habibi, hay btirkab fiya bel beit, mish bil bus.
 
Abu El Abed the Beggar
Once Abu El Abed (AA) decided to beg for money. He.extended both hands out to beg.
People looked at him and asked, why do you use both hands to beg. All beggars use one
hand. He said that his friend Abu Steif went to the movies and asked him to beg on his behalf.
 
Abu El Abed During the War
One day, during the war, el kasef (shelling) was getting very close to El Basta. Abu El Abed
(AA) yelled.
AA: Ya Em El Abed, yalla 3ala el malja' (EA, let's go to the shelter)
EA: Give me five minutes.
AA: Ya EA, el kasef 3am bye'wa, 3ajli ya mara (hurry up, the shelling is intensifying)
EA did not respond. After a few minutes, AA yells again.
AA: Chou 3am ti3amli ya mara (what are you going)
EA: 3am bajib el wajbeh (I'm getting my false teeth)
AA: Chou 3am byou'sfou orchalleh!!! (There shelling us with biscuits?)

Abu El Abed Stoned
Marra Abu El Abed (AA) and Abu Steif (AS) 3am bi dakhnou hashish (Smoking hash) w
mastouleen 3al akheer (really stoned)
AS: Abu El Abed ... sme3et.. el amercan tel3ou 3al amar (AA have you heard... the
americans have gone to the moon)
Abu El Abed half woke up opened his eyes wide and asked incredulously..
AA: Shou? Kellon ?? (what? all of them ?)
 
Abu Steif Visits the US
Abu Steif (AS) wanted to go to the US. Since he doesn't know a word of English, he consults
with his best friend Abu El Abed (AA).
Abu Steif: "Dakheelak ya Abu El Abed, teach me a few words so that at least I can
order something to eat.
Abu El Abed : " Ma fiha shay, Hamburger!"
Abu Steif : "Shoo Hayde Hamburger?"
Abu El Abed explains what a Hamburger is and Abu Steif went to the US. He spent
the first week eating hamburgers for breakfast, lunch and dinner. After one week he
couldn't take it anymore, he telephoned Abu El Abed and asked him:
AS: "Dakheelak ya Abu El Abed, tell me a word other than Hamburger. My stomach is
like a concrete wall"
AA: "Baseeta, Milk!"
AS: "Shoo hayde Milk?"
AA: "Walaw, Haleeb!"
The next day, Abu Steif went to for breakfast and told the waiter: "Milk"
Waiter: "Do you want it with sugar or without sugar?"
AS: "Yehri’ Dibak ya Abu El Abed, Hat Hamburger!"
 
Abu El Abed Got Hit by a Car
Marra Abu El Abed (AA) darbto sayara wghab an alwa3i. Tjama3ou ennas 3aleh wsaro
ydawro ala sheikh aw khori min shan ysali 3leh. Ija elkhouri w3eref inno AA ba3dou tayib
fawa3aa wsaalo:
Priest: Ya ibni btaamen bsayidna el Massih
Tala3 fee AA waalo hallaa waat 7zazir ya aboune
 
Abu El Abed Calls Home
Abu Abed (AA) was calling his house; the Maid answered...
AA: This is your master, give me madam.
Maid: I can't, she is sleeping with my master.
AA (ragging mad): You idiot, I am your master; she's cheating on me!!! Go get the
gun, shoot them, and get back to me.
She does as he says
AA: Now cut them into small pieces and put them in plastic bags.
Again she obediantly does as he ordered
AA: Take the bags and put them in the basement.
Maid: But sir, this is an appartment, we don't have a basement.
AA: Isn't this 309-433?
Maid: No, it's 309-444
AA: Sorry, wrong number.
 
The Best Memory
Abu El Abed (AA), Abu Steif (AS), and Abu Zakaria (AZ) were debating in Ahweit El Ejeiz
who had the best memory.
AS: "I can remember the first day of my first day at kindergarten."
AZ: "I can remember my first day at Nursery School!"
Not to be outdone, AA says: "Heyda ma chi. I can remember going with my father on
a date with my mother, and coming home with my mother."

Abed and Steif go to Medical School
Abed and Steif went to medical school bil wasta. One day, on their way back from University
they saw an old man walking slowly with his feet emfarshikhin (well apart). Abed said that he
must have fta' (hernia) and Steif said that he must have imsak (constipation). They kept on
arguing until they decided to go and ask the man what he had.
Abed & Steif: ya 3am, ihna itnein tlamiz tob, ana b'oul ma3ak fat', zamileh b'oul ma3ak
imsak. Chou ma3ak? (old man, we are both medical students, I say that you have
hernia, and my friend says that you have constipation. What do you have?).
Old Man looking at Abed and Steif: You are wrong (pointing to Abed), and you are
wrong (pointing to Steif). Fakkarta faswi (I though it was going to be a fart).

I.Q Test
Mara Abu El Abed asked Abu Steif
AA: iza el-batata racha7het shou bet 'oul lamma ti3tus?
AS thought for a while and did not answer.
AA: it will say tttchippsssss. tayyeb halmarra iza el-banadura racha7het kif bte3tus?
AS thought for a while and did not answer.
AA: it will say kakatttchapppppp. Ok hayde hayne shu iza el-7hamda racha7het?
AS: it will say 7a7a7amdaaaaa I guess
AA started to laugh: ya zalame lish el-7hamda aslan betrache7h. ma kella vitaminet.
 
Birthday Party
Abu El Abed (AA) was invited to a birthday party and he didn't know what is birthday parties are. He had a nice
time at the end he stood up and said.
AA: 3eed miladkom el jay 3ende ya jama3ah.
 
Titanic and Fify Abdo
Abu El Abed (AA) asked Abu Steif (AS)
AA: What is the different between the Titanic and Fify Abdu (belly dancer)?
AS: What?
AA: Titanic bi ya3rfo adeh rukabha bas ma bya3rfo adeh rukab Fify Abdo!
 
Abu Abed The Intelligent
Abu El Abed (AA) and Abu Steif (AS) were talking about their sons..
AS: my son Moustafe is so intelligent, he is going be a good engineer.
AA: how do you know that?
AS: Wait. ya Moutafe, fe wahed bekoun ibn bayek bas mich khayek, min hayde?
M: hayda ane.
AA was surprised and wanted to know if his son Abed is as intelligent as Moustafe. When he got back
home, he asked Abed the same question.
Abed : let me thin. I will get back to you on that.
He left and asked his friend Zakour who answered: it is me.
Abed to his father : hayde Zakour.
AA: il3ama chou hmar, hayde Moustafe ya bhim.
 
Abu El Abed and Abu Steif Flying Over Europe
Abu El Abed (AA) and Abu Steif (AS) were flying over Europe…
AS (looking out of the window): which country is down there?
AA(looked down): it is Czechoslovakia
After 3 hours..
AS (looking out of the window again ): which country is down there?
AA(looked down): it is Czechoslovakia
AS: a short while back you told me it was Czechoslovakia..
AA: il oula "iltahteh", wel teniah "ilfawka"! (hope your geography is good to understand this
joke)
 
Abed the Alcoholic
Abu El Abed (AA) noticed that Abed has started drinking 3araq (alcohol) every night, which AA did not like. One
night AA wanted to show Abed the harmful effects of alcohol. He took Abed to the backyard, he filled 2 big
buckets, one with water and the other one with alcohol.
AA asked Abed to bring the donkey in front of the buckets. The donkey smelled both, and start drinking from the
one filled with water.
AA: Abed you see how the donkey drank water and not alcohol. Can you tell me
why?
Abed: sure, la-enno hmar. (because hi is a donkey)
 
Good Business
One day Abu El Abed (AA) decided to try his luck in a new business in the United States. He left for the U.S. and
started selling clothes and sleeping equipment. Six months later he called Em El Abed (EA) and said..
AA: " Em El Abed doubi chantek ou ta3eh la hawn. " (EA pack your clothes and come here)
EA: " Leish ya AA ? " (Why AA ?)
AA: " Be3et miyet farsheh ou khams miyet kilot ou rbehet 150 000 Dollar." (I sold one hundred
mattresses and five hundred underwear and made a profit of 150 000 Dollars)
EA: " Eh inta doub chntak ou ta3a la hawn. Ana bi farsheh ouahdeh ou bala kilot rbehet 200 000
Dollar. " (You pack your bags and come here. With one mattress and no underwear I made a profit
of 200 000 Dollars.)
 
Abu El Abed & Abu Steif Going to University in the US
Abu El Abed (AA) and Abu Steif (AS) wanted to continue their education in the states. The university sent them
application forms to fill-in, and on these forms there was an entry for the name of previous schools attended.
AA wrote down: I don't know
AS wrote: I didn't mean it.
When their friends asked them what that meant.
AA: I was at "maaref"
AS: I was at "makassed"
 
Plat Du Jour
Abu El Abed (AA) opened a restaurant in Ashrafieh, a French speaking part of Beirut. He put up a sign with the
name of the days' main dish. A woman passing by went in and asked AA.
Woman: " AA shou el plat du jour lyaoum ? " (AA what is the main dish today ?)
AA: " Wara' 3enab malffouf " (Rolled vine leaves)
Woman: " J'aime beacoup ca " (I like that a lot)
AA: " La' jambo laban " (No, there is yoghurt with it. (Jambo couca ….La' jambo
laban))

Abed at School (3)
Abed went to a new school and had to take a test. The teacher asked him:
Teacher: If you have 3 birds on an electrical wire, and one bird flies away, how many birds are left?
Abed replies: None
Teacher: Why?
Abed: Because it is very well known that when one bird flies off, the rest follow
Teacher: No, Abed. The correct answer is 2, but I like your way of thinking (by3jibni tafkirak)
Abed: Let me ask you a question ya madam. If three women are sitting on a bench eating ice cream cones
(korn Bouza). One is licking it, the 2nd one is sucking it, and the 3rd one is biting it. Which one is married?
Teacher: I don't know, the one sucking it?
Abed: No. The one wearing the wedding ring is the married woman. But I like your way of thinking.
 
The Puzzle
Abu El Abed (AA) became a very rich man. One day while he was in a meeting with his directors, Em El Abed (EA)
dropped by and gave him a big puzzle box.
He kicked every body out of the conference room and locked the door. A few hours later EA knocked the door but
AA did not reply. AA stayed inside the conference room for days and months..
After 2 years he came out.
AA: 2 years.. 2 years.. I won
People around him: what do you mean ya AA, we thought you were dead!
AA: look ya hameer, it is written on the box 3 to 5 years... I solved it in 2
years!!!
 
Abu El Abed Late to Work
One day Abu El Abed (AA)was very late for work, so he was driving very fast. Unfortunately he hit a guy who was
walking on the street. AA stopped immediately and got out of the car to see if the guy is ok:
Guy: Shou mish shayifni? (you didn't see me?)
AA: Mbaleh, bass mish zaker wayn. (Yes, but I don't remember
where)

Abu El Abed Working in a Pharmacy
Abu El Abed (AA) was workin in Sahet El Abed Pharmacy. One day Abu Steif (AS) walked into the pharmacy,
shaked hands with AA, and told him that he had a serious problem.
AA: Khair enshallah, what's wrong AS, how can I help you.
AS: A3endak ya Abu El Abed shi dawa lasrasir (Do you have anything for
cockroaches)
AA: Laish chou behn ??? !!! (Why what's wrong with them)

One Wish
Once upon a time, Abu El Abed (AA) was sitting in Manara when he found a really really old rusted lamp. He tried
to clear some of the dust on that lamp by rubbing it & SUDDENLY, a genie popped out ...
Genie: " SHEBEIK LEBEIK Abdak bein eideyk". Then told telling AA that he can make ONLY ONE
wish.
After thinking for about 5 minutes or so, AA said
AA: Well Genie, here's what I want you to do. I want you to build me a highway from here to Cyprus"
Genie: You know ya AA that I am an old genie & this is a lot of work for me. Can' t you think of
something else?
AA: Well, there that one other thing: the way Em El Abed thinks. Why sometimes she's happy &
sometimes she's not, what she likes & what she doesn't. Can make understand her behaviour?
Genie: And how many lanes did you want that highway to be?
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